I wasn’t going to write a post today, today was not a mountain but a cliff. I would like to write coffee fixed all my issues today, but it didn’t. I would love to wax lyrical about how fun today was, but it wasn’t. I wish I had some inspired activities to describe, but I don’t. However I have a choice, and right now I choose to share for my own benefit.

I was woken at 3.25am this morning by the IPad alarm, yes you read that correctly, thanks Zara your skill on the IPad without being shown is amazing. Sleep has done nothing to empty my full mind and now it is fully awake and racing. I only catch about another hour or so sleep before being woken by Angus jumping into bed with me at 6am.

I spent yesterday afternoon looking through the kids school packs, my confidence won’t hold. I struggle this morning to even get the kids to the kitchen table to start discussing the day. I pull out their activities, Angus is talking non stop, Clancy is looking less than motivated, and Zara is already having small meltdowns. I’m now doubting my capabilities to support all three, at different stages of learning and extremely different support needs.

Angus rushes through 2 worksheets, no effort expended, he’s desperate to get outside as we have a shearer here crutching and a truck expected to deliver fertiliser today. Zara has melted down and is hiding under a small rug and Clancy is looking lost.

I work through a small activity with Clancy and I hear Zara leave the house, I’m holding back tears but only just. Clancy asks if he can go outside now. We have only been at this about 20 minutes and it’s all bottomed out. With all the kids outside the flood gates open. I can no longer hold the tears in. Tears would come and go all day like rolling storms. I’m overwhelmed and today is not a teaching or learning day. I’m left wondering how many days will be like this and I’m feeling less than capable of weathering my storms.

I look out from the back veranda and see Zara in the paddock just beyond the yard. She playing in a pen we are hoping to temporarily house some chooks in soon while we construct something more permanent. I walk across to her, she smiles and verbalises her version of “come in”. I blow her a kiss and say I’m happy watching you here, in hindsight I missed an opportunity to play, when did I forget the need to play. She comes out of the pen and gives me a hug, I whisper “I love you” as I gently pull back, but she’s not done and hugs me tighter.

Back at the house, I shift gears to try and get some other stuff online finished. The website is slow and constantly drops out. Frustrated watching the spinning wheel of website death I decide to phone mum while I wait. I thought that I had stemmed the tears, apparently not, thanks for being there again mum you’re always my safe place to fall off cliffs.

The truck is coming down the front drive. Mal calls out, he wants me to go turn the crutched sheep onto another paddock in about half an hour as he will be busy unloading the truck. Well at least this will be a distraction from my current feelings. I ask Zara if she would like to move sheep with me, an enthusiastic “yay” comes and she is racing for the door. I get my instructions from the know it all five year old, and Zara and I are off.

We stop near the crutching trailer and have a quick chat with the shearer. Zara climbs up and gives a ewe in the crutching cradle a pat on the head. We climb back in the buggy and patiently wait for the last few ewes to be crutched and Zara counts them as they emerge from the trailer. We gently steer the mob across the paddock, past a dam and through the gate to the adjoining paddock. Zara is loving the ride, her joy is escaping her body in happy flapping and squealing.

The rest of the afternoon is just moving through time, get the washing in, prepare dinner, feed the dog, bath the kids, and sit for a coffee. Zara verbalises something to me and takes me to the hallway where she points to the photo on the wall, “Wa dat?” She asks. “That me and you, Dad and Clancy”. She points to my chest “num” and points to herself “Zaza”, and raises her arms for me to pick her up for a hug. I love her more than life, she is always exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

Tomorrow is a new day, the sun will rise and I will too, but hopefully later than 3.25am. I hope that my turmoil today is temporary and I find happiness in simple things tomorrow, falling from cliffs is hard.

Be kind to yourselves. See you tomorrow.

Larissa x

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh Library