Day 2 started in a similar way to yesterday with a desperate need for coffee. My addiction to coffee will become evident in posts to come. One of my first bosses when I joined the workforce, Greg, used to have coffee waiting for me every morning, he would tell me “you’re not human until you’ve had coffee”, he was right.

The difference today was my boys were dressed and already outside. They have been planting and tending their own “farm” in our back yard for weeks now. Both had planted wheat, and with a little recent rain, they now had a small crop growing. They both then headed off with Mal to move sheep. I was left wondering if we would get to any activities like yesterday. Then there was a small knock at our back door, Angus can’t reach the door knob, I open the door and there stands my sweet boy presenting me with a bouquet of wheat that he had collected while out in the paddocks. These are self sown from last years harvest, we haven’t yet sown our paddocks for this year. We all sit down to discuss and list what we might like to do today, my hope is restored.

We pop open a tin of dominoes and set about playing traditional dominoes. Today we have a “my turn” loader toy for Zara’s visual helper. It’s progressing nicely, we are being a bit flexible with the rules and allowing unorthodox placements so long a numbers match on at least one surface.

During the first game, (I’m insisting on at least 2 games), Clancy asks if we can play knock down dominoes. I tell him “Certainly, but after the second game”. I’m actually interested on where that will lead. Well it starts off okay but we only have a small set of dominoes. It seems team work is too much for the boys today and the tension is rising. I quickly grab the iPad and start YouTube looking for domino knock downs. Winner, the kids are engaged with the first one I play which as luck would have it is showing basic statistics on how many dominoes used, how long construction took, and how many people are involved. Zara is loving the colourful spirals and towers toppling down.

Time for free time, and coffee!

Angus has headed off in the tractor with Mal. My anxiety is peaking again. Remember to breathe Larissa. It’s then my brother video calls, great timing BJ. It was nice to see him. Clancy didn’t want to talk today, but Zara did, she loves Uncie. She waves and says hello. I ask her to show Uncie what she’s doing and she holds up a lego Cinderella and would later show him that Cinderella is playing on a slippery dip. We wave goodbye, family is everything.

Well the day plan seems to have gone out the window. We are still trying to keep the house and farm running, all the while trying to support the kids learning coupled with speech therapy for Zara and patching eye therapy for Angus. There never seems to be enough time in the day when things are normal let alone now. More coffee!

It’s 2 o’clock and it’s time to bundle Clancy and Zara into the car to head down the farm to collect Mal and Angus. We park next to a Kurrajong tree at one end of the paddock and all pile out.

The tractor is making a plume of dust, we haven’t had much rain but the work continues in hope. I give Clancy a silly quiz on parts of the tree. The tractor pulls up a distance from us and Angus walks across to join us.

Our tree has substantial roots above the ground and Angus starts to use one like a balance beam, so I tell the kids the roots are safe but the dirt is lava and they have to get right around the tree without falling in. Fun and giggles follow.

We head back home. After a quick drink, Mal and Clancy head back to the tractor. I’m feeling low again this crazy life could continue for a long time, can I be enough for the kids? Angus pops up and asks if we can play hide and seek, it would seem he was paying attention to our planning this morning. So a few rounds of hide and seek ensues in the house, Zara isn’t really enthusiastic but plays once.

Angus finds a couple of dice whilst hiding and asks if we can play rolls. It seems he is making up activities again, hurray. So we roll and add the dots on them up over and over. Would you look at that, incidental maths opportunity. Angus has had enough and asks if he can do some “patching” with the iPad. Seriously is he reading my anxious mind, well no, he’s angling for game time on the PlayStation which is our usual reward for patching, but hell whatever is going to tick something off my internalised list I’m okay with.

Clancy and Mal return home for afternoon tea before Mal heads off again. Angus is still iPad patching and Clancy asks for a turn on the PlayStation. “No” is my answer, “not until we’ve done story time”. However I decide that today the kids can makeup a story using teddies as characters and the other can video it on the iPad, and to my surprise they agree. Clancy was first up and it descends into rubbish, so I pull teacher rank and tell him he has to try to take this seriously or the PlayStation stays off. Instant success, it’s short and sweet and I will aim to expand his effort next time. Angus is up next. He races off to collect his crew of characters. His story is short, but he decides to do a second one. This one comes with a sweet bit of singing too, my heart is melting, it’s short but enthusiastic. Given this isn’t someone reading story time I will make time to read a story with Zara after dinner if she is open to it.

I’m feeling like I’m drowning in my feelings of lack of efforts with Zara today. It’s a feeling I know well, it has visited often over the years. However I know this feeling will pass, I will take a breath and tomorrow I will swim again, or perhaps just tread water, either way she will be ok and I am enough. More coffee!

As I stood at the kitchen sink tonight I see the gift of wheat from Angus in front of me. I realise that, just like the wheat that has grown from scattered seeds, my kids grew a bit more today from scattered learning opportunities provided by just being with them today.

Tomorrow is the weekend, it’s only been two days, I need a break and that’s ok. Next week we will pick up school packs which may provide me with a sense of relief, I don’t know. Whatever next week holds or how it unfolds, it will be enough and my kids will be fine.

Kiss your kids goodnight, tell them you love them. Be kind to yourselves and see you Monday.

Larissa x

“When a child gives you a gift, even if it is a rock they just picked up, exude gratitude. It might be the only thing they have to give, and they have chosen to give it to you”

Dean Jackson